Is RuPaul a Psychotherapist?

fourth thought: Tuesday April 21

Last week on RuPaul’s Drag Race was the Snatch Game episode, probably the most anticipated episode of every season.  I was really sad to watch Max, one of my favourites this season, sashay away (she won two challenges prior to this episode and has been a strong contender in other challenges…one misstep and she’s gone! Frustrating, but that’s a rant for a different day.)

During the episode, RuPaul completed his usual rounds in the workroom, had a discussion with Katya (another one of my faves!) and “doctor” RuPaul magically appeared. He provided insight into Katya’s self-esteem as an “addiction to anxiety.” Really RuPaul?

Let me start by saying that I am a big fan of the show. Whenever I’m having a bad Monday from bouts of work stress, depression, and ANXIETY, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race gives me an enjoyable escape. The creativity and talent are incredible! Between unbelievable transformations and mouth-dropping “lip synch for your life” routines, what’s not to love? Well, it’s psychotherapist RuPaul that irks me. He has some great feedback on drag based on his experience but sometimes he goes a step further and begins to offer psychological analysis and advice…credentials please! Has anyone called him on this? He does it every season with the final three contestants (or final four in season 6) when they have a one-on-one “lunch” with “doctor” RuPaul. I never let it affect me much until he used the term “addiction to anxiety.” Firstly, is this a thing? Anxiety is a serious and debilitating mental illness (check the DMS - a manual used by clinicians and researchers to diagnose and classify mental disorders). From constant worry and fear to panic attacks, it’s not a pleasant illness. I know because I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. It’s not an addiction: I don’t crave it, I don’t need it, but it’s there…always…and some days it’s more manageable than others. With medication, regular visits with a certified psychotherapist, cognitive behaviour therapy, and mindfulness-based self-compassion therapy, I’m learning to cope with it and I try to be a functional individual in society. When an anxiety disorder is not treated it can lead to physical ailments and other mental illnesses such as depression. To reduce anxiety to an “addiction” is doing an injustice to those of us suffering from it.

Secondly, I tried to research anxiety “addiction” and I found two ridiculous online posts – one being an article from an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry! Anyone who suffers from an anxiety disorder will find this article disagreeable and the strategies suggested may work for someone experiencing a slightly elevated level of anxiety. All human beings experience anxiety. A certain level of anxiety is normal and has been helpful for our species to evolve. But some of us experience consistently high and intolerable levels of anxiety. This article refers to anxiety-provoking news (e.g., fear mongering on television), separation anxiety from one’s cellphone, and “emotional vampires.” Emotional Vampires?!? “AnxietyIncorporated” commented that anyone truly suffering from an anxiety disorder would find the article offensive, and that’s how I felt when I heard RuPaul use the term on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

If you are suffering from anxiety, there is a lot of great literature about it everywhere online (see below for a start) and please get your information from a credible source and consult your doctor. I waited too long and it wasn’t until my anxiety manifested into depression that I sought help. I lost two years trying to regain my life back and I’m almost at a point where it’s manageable. It doesn’t go away but you can live with it if you have the proper supports be it medication, therapy, etc.

During my search, I found a blog post where an individual discusses her anxiety disorder and it’s a very sad story. Unfortunately, it reads as though she didn't have the best of luck with useful treatment yet she’s strong enough to accept her anxiety, live with it, and carry on without medication or therapy. Kudos to the strength she harnesses to do so. But please don’t call it an “addiction.” You’re sending the wrong message to yourself and other sufferers. Until my thirties, I was able to “control” my anxieties – push them down and move forward. This worked really well until I ran out of room for all my anxieties and they came spilling out like Pandora’s Box.

If I were to label one of my addictions, it’s RuPaul’s Drag Race – it’s one of the few shows that I enjoy on TV – but  I will continue to take and monitor my medication, I will continue to work with my physician and psychotherapist as I continue to live with this disorder, and I will continue to criticize false psychotherapy. I will never refer to my anxiety as an addiction and I hope no one else does too – did you hear that, Katya?

Some Resources to Get You Started:

Anxiety and Depression Association ofAmerica

DSM: social anxiety disorder 

DMS: generalized anxiety disorder 

Images:

http://i1.wp.com/www.postpartumprogress.com/wp-content/uploads/Fotolia_32437147_S.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:RuPaul_by_David_Shankbone_cropped.jpg

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CAcQjRw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Ftagged%2Frupaul%27s-drag-race-spoilers%253F&ei=4NU2Ven-CdifyASBuoH4Bg&psig=AFQjCNHZZmUgkjRpW942qhfcm9kIcRPTmw&ust=1429743184731079

The Male Body

third thought: Thursday April 9

The Male Body

I write gay erotica stories because I enjoy sex, romance, and the male body. When I read gay erotica stories, they usually feature gay alpha males (big muscles), hot twinks (chiseled features, washboard abs), bearish leather daddies (hair in the perfect spots, big muscles, chiseled features, older but very hot), etc. I realized that most of my characters fit such descriptions - the archetype of the male body; that is, the type of body men and women fantasize having sex, and the type of body some men feel the need to achieve. Is this "perfect male body" taking a toll on our metal health?

Gay men have always been self-conscious about their bodies. Growing up, especially during my late teens and early twenties, it was "common knowledge" that "all gay men are hot." I agree with this statement but the definition of "hot" can vary from one person to another.

I love an athletic body. I pushed myself hard in the gym for many years in my mid-twenties to early thirties to maintain a tight, athletic body. I never had big muscles but I was fairly happy with my physique. My workouts and my diet became a religion because I felt that if I didn't have an athletic body, then I wouldn't be considered "hot" in the gay community. Interestingly enough, my attraction for men varied and a "hot" gay man depended much more on their personality than their body. Yes, there will always be an initial physical attraction, but sometimes it's the eyes, lips, or the way they move on the dance floor. Other times, it's a tattoo that catches my eyes, allowing me to converse with another man, and giving me insight into the man's personality. Nonetheless, there was always a muscled gay man whispering in my ear to keep working out and grow bigger muscles otherwise men would neither find me attractive nor talk to me. Regardless that I've been told I have a nice smile, great kissable lips (they work wonders during a blowjob!), and a fun personality (especially after a few drinks!), I continue to feel self-conscious of my body: I'm too skinny, I'm too fat, I don't have big muscles...

I came across a wonderful story via Upworthy about the new target of body-image: men. From toys for boys, the evolution of superhero bodies in cartoons and movies, and how society pressures men to feel confident about their bodies. Women are embraced to express their insecurities and men...well, not so much. The Upworthy story continues with a story about Chris, a man who feels self-conscious about his body. I think he's hot (Chris, if you're single, I'll wine and dine you!) but like most men, he has body issues, but unlike most men, he's opening up to discuss them. I applaud Chris and I think more men should do this mostly because there isn't one type of "hot" male body. The more men that come out and share their story, the better we can be as a group of men to support each other and realize that all body types are beautiful: big or small, tall or short, muscled or thin, washboard abs or beer bellies. This is especially important in the gay community where the archetypal gay male exists in its various communities and we make harsh judgments on those who don't fit in. It's already difficult growing up gay in a straight environment, why do we make it harder on ourselves in a community that should make us feel better about ourselves?

My goal, after learning about Chris's story, is to

1. be secure in the insecurities of my body
2. make a conscious effort to include various body types in my writing allowing different gay men see themselves in my stories (having hot sex!)

That said, I'm planning a revamp for this week's #TGIFF story. Sex between two men is more about attitude and desires and not body type. That's my opinion and we'll see how well it transfers over into my erotica.

Gays Not Allowed?!?!?

second thought: Thursday April 2

Gays Not Allowed?!?!?

I'm drinking a coffee, not a latte.
My twitter feed is full of hotties...male hotties.
I don't drive a mini cooper
but my public transit card makes me feel super-duper.
I'm not a Christian and I'm not a Jew...
And Indiana, I'm never spending my fucking money on you!

Do I have to change my name? NO!
Will it get me far? *shrugs*
Should I lose some weight? Duh, I'm gay!
Will it get me far? Yeah, especially on Grindr!

I'm living out the Canadian dream
And in the U.S., nothing is what is seems...

Yes, this week's "Thursday Thoughts" references Madonna's "American Life" but there's a huge part of me that is tremendously happy that my parents decided to immigrate to Canada and not the US.

The American Dream? Fuck it!

When I read about marriage equality issues in the US, it's disheartening. When I read about general human rights in a first world "republic" like the US, it's saddening. The same group of people in the US that burn the Koran wield the bible to suppress various groups of people born and raised in the US. And you think you're different, better, and morally supreme to ISIS? Yes, I'm talking to you, Indiana, and any other state (hello, Alabama!) planning to pass similar bigotry as law. I recall such legislation was passed in Germany...before I was born...when they revoked rights from the Jews. And look how that turned out...

Recently I spent five days in a hospital in Toronto for emergency surgery and I was welcomed with the best medical service a gay man could ask for. The nurses were exceptional (Mount Sinai - give those nurses a well-deserved raise!!!) They knew I was gay the moment I walked in. I don't think I look gay (I have long hair - how many gay men have long hair?!?) but I arrived with my worried partner who was with me the entire time. He kissed me goodbye, in front of everyone, when we knew I'd be there overnight waiting for tests and results. The nurse called him when I went in and came out of surgery. They allowed him to visit me in the recovery room. He kissed me hello in front of the nursing staff. The night nurse, who took excellent care of me, commented on how sweet and attractive my partner was. He visited me every day without question - are you family? YES! He's been my unmarried partner for ten years! He picked up my parents who live outside the city to visit me. He drove them home and returned to the city. And my Catholic parents praised him for the support he gave them and me during this time. Some nurses were jealous that I had such a supportive partner. And never was I questioned of my sexuality...not even when they took blood or considered giving me blood during my five-day stay. The surgeon even laughed when I told her I was gay and why would I consider having children. She scolded me, humourously, that gays could have kids too and I should keep my options open, even if I was close to turning forty.

Then there's Indiana where I can buy a cake wearing a gun but I will be refused cake if I'm holding the hand of a man who has been my support for ten years. If I wasn't holding his hand but came into a bakery holding a gun, would I be served? Some people look "gay" while others do not. Will Indiana start playing the "who looks gay" game? Will carrying a gun make the difference? I hate guns as much as I hate bigots, so I will avoid Indiana and any other similar US state. Every time I've driven through the South of the US, I felt uncomfortable - will they stone me / kill me for being gay? I'm not being facetious. I am literally scared driving the second part of my trip every time I head to the gay beaches of Miami. If Jim Parsons walked into a bakery in Indiana, would they deny him service? Well, probably because he plays a character on TV that believes in science and not theology. This is probably a larger issue than Jim being gay.

But I'm glad the US is a republic...I can like parts of it and dislike the rest of it (yes, you too Alaska with your Sarah Palins!) We may have to put up with people like Rob Ford and Ford Nation in Canada, but regardless of the damage they've done (and may do in the future), they will not take my gay rights away. Try to pray my gay away but it won't work...my mother has tried for years! If we can't pray the gay away from priests, cardinals, bishops and popes...maybe gays are part of God's plan. But God doesn't exist...only atoms and molecules. I'm so very glad my atoms believe in living for love without boundaries (or prejudices!)

That said, I must stop my rant. I'm being rolled into my next anal probing. Oh get your head out of your ass! I'm having a colonoscopy! Oh, I wonder if those are banned in Indiana for being too "gay?"

Who’s That Girl with the Rebel Heart? Bitch, she’s Madonna! (My Ideal Rebel Heart Tour)

first thought: Thursday March 26

I’ve been listening to Madonna’s new album, Rebel Heart, for two weeks, non-stop! Part of it feels retrospective and my thoughts have lingered on my fan affair with Madonna (my personal retrospective!).

I’ve been an avid Madonna fan since I was eight years old…her Material Girl days! My first 7-inch 45 rpm record was a Madonna single (Material Girl), my first cassette was Madonna (True Blue), my first CD…Madonna (The Immaculate Collection).

My teens were filled with a Madonna that did everything perfectly and she continued to impress me as she evolved and reinvented herself and her music. But it’s been a while since I’ve been impressed with a Madonna album as I am of Rebel Heart. Music is probably the last album which I could listen to from beginning to end, over and over, week after week. I enjoyed American Life, in doses, Confessions on the Dance Floor was fun, and Hard Candy and MDNA had some great moments (Candy Shop, Girl Gone Wild), but none of them made a strong connection with me as those from Madonna’s past. On the other hand, Rebel Heart is a perfect mix of everything that I love about Madonna: fun smart pop dance songs, deep personal lyrics, love and heartache, S.E.X., and a willingness to experiment. So I am extremely excited to see what she decides to put together for her Rebel Heart Tour (yes, I have tickets! I’ve seen every show since The Girlie Show if it made it to my city!). With this in mind, I have come up with my own themes and track list if I were to stage her show:

Part 1: Who is Madonna?

I can picture a stripped down stage with Madonna, centre-stage, guitar in hand, singing Rebel Heart. Then the stage morphs into controlled chaos and mayhem as she ventures through each song in this set, reflecting and figuring out “Who is Madonna?” and what helped shape her into a Rebel woman with a Heart: “Don’t tell me to stop;” “The more that I wait, the more time that I waste;” “Keep people together, forever and ever;” “Something’s coming over me;” “You can’t touch this ‘cause I’m a bad bitch.” It reads magically as the story of Madonna:

Rebel Heart Intro

Veni Vidi Vici

American Life

Devil Pray

Don’t Tell Me

Jump

Hollywood

Keep it Together

Secret

Ghosttown

Ray of Light

Who’s That Girl?

Bitch, I’m Madonna

Part 2: HeartBreakCityGirl finds Love

Madonna has suffered heart ache. We heard it in MDNA and it continues as a theme in Rebel Heart. She’s also written about heartache in past albums and this is a perfect platform to bring them all together. I chose a few of my favourites beginning with Paradise. It’s a perfect theme and a great way to segue from Part 1. It has electronic experimentation in its music and an aching acknowledgment of love lost in its lyrics. “Your heart is not broken” but it’s frozen when it’s not open…only Power of Goodbye and Frozen can build these up until they culminate into another standout track of Rebel Heart: HeartBreakCity. We continue through the set with heartache but it’s not going to keep her down. She’s living for love and she’ll carry on…sorry, not sorry! So, really, nothing matters as she falls deeper and deeper into love with a beautiful stranger. And haven’t we all had our best sexcapades with beautiful strangers? What a way to segue into S.E.X.!

Paradise (Not For Me)

Power of Goodbye

Frozen

HeartBreakCity

Take a Bow/You’ll See Medley

Sorry

Living for Love

Nothing Really Matters

Deeper and Deeper

Beautiful Stranger

Part 3: Never Too Old for S.E.X.

“Express yourself, don’t repress yourself” has been Madonna’s mantra and it works well as an intro to the sex part of the tour. Of course there will be an Interlude* here and I’ve considered a medley of Justify My Love, Like a Virgin, Erotica, Human Nature and Best Night as an intro for Part 3. I think the others work well with Paradise as the intro to Part 2 andTurn Up the Radio for Part 4.

                                              

She wouldn’t be Madonna without sex and a Rebel Madonna continues to push society’s image of sex; only she can teach us an important lesson on sexology: men and especially women can have sex at any age! Holy Water is one of my favourite tracks. It reminds me of tracks from Erotica and I find myself pretending to be like “Magic Mike” dancing in my kitchen. But like the rest of us, she’s human, and we can’t pretend that the negative comments have not affected her so she segues into another reflective part of the concert, Joan of Arc being the stand out track here (and my favourite track on the album!)

I’ve included tracks that haven’t been performed or have only been performed once in concert. Most of us long-time fans would love to hear her play some of these songs…especially Rescue Me, a track that should’ve been the second huge hit from The Immaculate Collection. She believes in the power of love, she and the rest of us will all be rescued, no matter what our “perceived” sins may be. “You can’t make me cry” but “even hearts made out of steel can break.” She may not be Joan of Arc, yet, but she knows what it feels like for a girl and she is standing up for women’s rights, rights that have staggered more so than some LGBT rights. But the set ends with I’ll Remember before leading into the final “party” of the night. There can be pleasure when we get through the pain and I’ll Remember, a track she’s never sung live (this fan would love to hear it live!), will save us through strength and love from past friends and lovers. Now we can stand out on our own and get ready to party!

Interlude*

S.E.X.

Holy Water

Body Shop

Cherish

(with a “Body Shop” feel)

Sooner or Later

Fever

(sultry version that ties into Sooner or Later

and then picks it up at the end before Rescue Me begins)

Rescue Me

Oh Father

Joan of Arc

What it Feels Like For a Girl

I’ll Remember

Part 4: Turn Up the Music, I’m Madonna Bitch! Let’s Party!

To get the party started, we need to turn up the radio, let the music play to bring all people together, and get our groove on with old school, party-dancing Madonna! You Can Dance had amazing remixes of her early dance hits and her image on the album’s cover fits perfectly with her current “matador” look (which also works in Part 2 with Take a Bow, You’ll See, and Living For Love!) Life is a ball, let your body move to the music, and get up on the dance floor!

Turn Up the Radio

(sampling “Dance and sing, get up and do your thing” from Everybody)

Music 

(sampling “let your body move to the music” from Vogue)

Into The Groove

(You Can Dance Remix)

Where’s the Party

(You Can Dance Remix – with samples from Celebration, Holiday)

Wouldn’t it be amazing to watch the show morph from the Rebel Heart Madonna to her squealing at the end of Where’s the Party? I’d be in Madonna heaven with a playlist like this, live and in concert. We avid fans would be squealing for more!

Until then, I’ve set up my own playlist on iTunes and I am listening to it on repeat. 



I'd love to hear your thoughts on this playlist - agree/disagree? changes? additions? Feel free to leave comments below!