I'm gay and I struggle with self-esteem. It interferes with life because I am very self-critical. At times I feel worthless and hopeless yet I somehow found the strength to pull myself out of a dark place and seek help. In doing so, I am trying to cultivate a relationship with my "inner child," overcome negative attitudes and begin to nurture this inner child. One way to do so is to provide support for him by the adult me. As such, I am writing a letter to my inner child to let him know that he has unconditional love and support by adult me. And I decided to share this letter with you, too.
Dear Inner Child,
You are a loving person. You care for everyone around you and you do everything you can to make people happy, including your parents. I want to tell you how much I respect you for being that kind, nurturing person at such a young age. You are considered a 'sensitive' boy. This is not a bad thing and don't let anyone tell you or make you feel that there is something wrong with you because you are different or that you don't meet their expectations of you. I love you for the boy that you are and I support your needs and aspirations as much as you support those of others.
You're constantly battling comparisons with your twin brother. Try to forgive them because they don't understand that twins can be different - everyone is different - and this is a good thing. You are an individual separate from your twin brother. He enjoys sports like soccer and he excels at it. You try to play soccer because your parents want you to play and be as good a player as your brother; but you know that you'll never be as good as your brother and you don't like playing soccer. I want to take you away from that field, sit you next to your sister, and watch you learn to play the piano. I want you to know that it's ok to play with dolls and makeup and dresses. You don't need to hide these activities. I know that seeing your sister get upset with you for playing with her dolls frightens you; it confuses and upsets you. I want you to know that I am here for you anytime you feel frightened or confused. I'll be here to hold you, comfort you, and protect you from the screaming and the hitting. Boys can play with dolls and I will buy you a doll to play with. We'll take a walk to the store, buy some makeup, and use it on your dolls. We'll find old clothing to cut up and make outfits for your doll.
You're growing older and you are confused about your feelings for other boys. You live in a traditional, catholic, Italian household and your mom tells you that one day you will get married to a nice, Italian girl, and have your own children. You will repeat the same cycle as your mom or dad. But this isn't what you want. You want to spend your birthday money on cassette tapes of dance music, particularly the new Madonna cassette, and sing and dance to it in your bedroom. It's difficult to do so because you share a room with your brother and you feel embarrassed and self-conscious by the way you look when you dance. Your father doesn't dance. Your brother doesn't dance. Only your sister dances so you think it's a girlie thing to do, but it's not! Everyone dances and I'm telling you to dance like no one is watching. Dance until your feet ache and you're out of breath, but your smile is so wide that your cheeks hurt from happiness.
At school and at church, they teach you to love and respect, to do as Jesus does. Jesus accepts and loves everyone, as do you. And you're learning that you like other boys. Maybe, one day, you'll fall in love with a boy. You won't marry an Italian girl and have kids but you can be happy because life is about love, friendship, intimacy, and a sense of belonging. Your friends, family, school teachers, and priests make you feel worthless, ashamed, dejected, insecure, discouraged, and hopeless. I'm telling you that you are not worthless, you shouldn't feel ashamed, and don't be discouraged. You are beautiful, smart, loving, and perfect as you are. They don't understand your love and attraction for someone of the same gender but in time they may accept it or reject it. Either way, I will be here to support you and help you forgive them. You don't understand why they persecute boys like you because Jesus would never do such horrible things, and I know it's frightening, and I know that you want to hide this part of you. When you're ready, I am here and we will stand up, hand in hand, and express our true self. You don't need to deny yourself of love, friendship, and intimacy because it's different from your friends and family. I will help you find new friends - friends who are similar to you and will accept you just the way you are. We can create new families and safe environments. You will one day kiss a boy and enjoy it. You will kiss many boys until you find the one that makes you so happy that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Others will stare at you as you walk down the street holding hands. They will shout awful things and wish harm on you. They are insecure of themselves and they project their insecurities on you. I want you to know that I hear these things too but together we will stand strong, face them, and forgive them for their ignorance. I will hold you and comfort you when they hurt you. I will soothe your mind of disturbing thoughts that make you want to escape and leave everything and everyone behind. You ask yourself why mom and dad don't want others to know that you are gay. It makes you feel inadequate. You do everything you can to please your parents because they make you feel that you are never good enough. You strive for perfection in everything you do yet it's never good enough. Your mother wants your to be a doctor, your dad wants you to be the CEO of your own successful business, but you want to have fun with the artistic creativity that aches to grow and flourish. I will help squeeze these thoughts from your head. You are perfect as you are. You don't have to fit the preconceptions of your parents, the homophobes in the world, or the critical gay men who say you're not good-looking or fit. I will comfort you and tell you that you are perfect. We will exercise to feel healthy, not to conform to a new set of norms - norms that you didn't think would exist once you find a group of men similar to you. Remember, just as you are unique and different from your twin brother, you are also unique and different from all the other gay men in this city and on this earth. Together, we will find others who appreciate, accept and validate our individualism. You'll finally have a sense of belonging where you can be yourself, dance wherever and whenever, and fall in love with whomever. You deserve unconditional love. I will love you unconditionally and protect you from anyone who tries to hurt you or pretend to love you. We'll always be there for each other.
Love,
Adult You
