My Rebel Heart Revisited: Gluttony for One's Eyes (In a Very Good Way!)

In April, I wrote on this blog the kind of show I would've loved to see Madonna perform for her Rebel Heart Tour. It was an extensive playlist but I was living in the fantasy of a three-hour show. Although many of my predictions and hopefuls were wrong (go figure, eh!), I was still amazed and awed when I watched her move and sing across her large cross-with-heart stage that jetted out into the crowd further than any stage she used in past concerts. This alone brought a huge change to Madonna's concert - it felt more intimate even though it was a huge stage in a huge stadium.

As usual, she had a show broken into four sets with interconnecting themes. She's described the themes, others have dissected them, but for me there was one theme consistent with the entire show - it was Madonna. She was a rebel with a heart laughing wholeheartedly near the end of "Bitch I'm Madonna," dancing alone, light-heartedly, and having fun moving across the entire stage during "Like a Virgin," and showing off her dancers' abs to both her fans and her own delight just before she sang "True Blue" using a ukulele. It was a showcase of what she did, what she persevered through, and what she can still do. That's our rebel heart, Madonna.
Although it wouldn't have been my first prediction, the opener, "Iconic," was an exercise of gluttony for the eyes. There was so much awesomeness going on that I didn't know where to look. It fit really well as an opener to the theme of being Madonna: I can, Icon.

A Madonna concert wouldn't be a Madonna concert without some epic moments: from the moment she came down in a cage to the moment she flew away from us at the end, there were some jaw-dropping scenes. One in particular included dancers defying gravity and bending back-and-forth on tall, thin poles during "Illuminati." Another was her homage to the "Material Girl" video as she threw men off a tilted stage, one by one, just like she did on the stage in the video. Her outfit alone was a marvel in itself. Were they real diamonds swaying across her body?!? Wow! But the best part of the show: it lacked politics. Although she continues to straddle the 'blasphemous' line between religion and sex, which included an erotically charged interpretation of the last supper, there were no speeches or videos that pulled away from the light, fun, happy vibe of the show. She was having fun on the stage and we were having fun with her. It took her over thirty years to get to this point in her career and I'm so glad I made it with her because this is the best I've seen Madonna and I hope to see more of this rebel heart in the future.

My Pride Month of Discrimination

Social media is chock-full of images, stories, reports, and blogs of various Pride events happening around the world - and this is a wonderful thing! Aside from June being the first month to bring beautiful, warm, sunshine-filled days in Canada, it is also a celebration of diversity for the LGBTQI community (I hope I have the correct acronym...being gay, I still forget how many letters we have represented in our community but that's a great thing because it's growing!)

Other blogs, tweets and editorials try to educate the ignorant masses why Pride is important and why "straight" Pride is not necessary...

...'cause you know, if the gays can have a parade...however, today's blog is different because as I try to feel comfortable walking in my gay shoes with pride, I'm also battling various bouts of discrimination, in June of all months!

Yesterday was the second time this month that my partner and I have had our lease agreements rejected to rent a condo in the same condo building. Two different units owned by two different couples with the same outcome. We have almost perfect credit scores (I'm an 820!), professional, full-time jobs, accumulated assets and investments (especially from a recent sale of property), and the willingness to offer a larger monthly rent, extended lease agreement, and an earlier occupancy date which would put us with double monthly rents for two months. We don't have pets and we don't smoke (both conditions in the lease agreement) and we're clean, tidy, and don't throw big house parties (anymore!). We went as far as provide pictures of our condo - the one we recently sold - to prove how well we keep up a place of residence. Yet, we've been rejected. The first was rented to a couple of similar ethnicity as the owners (at a lower rent than we proposed) and the second was rented to a single man (also at a lower rent than we proposed). The unit is a one-bedroom plus den and just under 800 square feet - plenty of room for a gay couple. But that's the issue here, are we being rejected because we are two men trying to rent a condo with only one bedroom? I can't prove that we are being discriminated for being gay but it's very suspicious considering the owners are foreign investors from countries that are very homophobic. My frustration 

is further intensified (and perhaps I feel more fragile than normal) because this month I've also been blatantly discriminated at work for getting sick. The discussion went: "what happens if you get sick again throughout the year?" I'm not a medical expert, but I think anyone can get sick at anytime, regardless of whether they have a pre-existing condition or not. I'm currently working through the "battle" of being treated fairly, without discrimination, at work, and the thought of dealing with further battles of discrimination render me exhausted.

At this point, I don't know how proud I'm feeling about being gay. I've had to hide it as a teen, it took me ten years after coming out to myself to have the courage and pride to come out to family, friends, and co-workers, and celebrate and share a relationship with another man. I suddenly feel like that scared teenaged boy, worried how my life may continue to be influenced by homophobia and other forms of discrimination. But Pride is not simply celebrating my sexuality; it's a reminder of the work that the LGBTQI community has done to become more visible, fight for equal rights, ...

This year, my pride will be celebrated with hope that I've met my maximum level of discrimination for this month and perhaps enjoy at least one day where I can be myself and not stress or worry about losing out on experiences in life because of my differences.

UPDATE: five hours after posting, we were declined another condo rental and this time our agent has "texting" proof that we're being discriminated for being gay...happy pride! 

Why I Love Tennis - A "Visual" Essay

Yesterday, I was ecstatic and jumping out of my pants watching Stan Wawrinka (the Stanimal!) beat Djokovic and win the French Open Grand Slam final!

For the past ten years, I've had a mini (HUGE!) crush on Stan...he's so damn cute! And his courage to wear those pink shorts...I simply wanted to lick him from head to toe!

Now, there are plenty of other reasons why I love tennis. Here are a few... (gotta love men who play with balls!!!)

 

Note: I don't own the photos. They were used to prove my love for the sport! ;-)

Gay Men & Self-Esteem: Nurturing My Inner Child

I'm gay and I struggle with self-esteem. It interferes with life because I am very self-critical. At times I feel worthless and hopeless yet I somehow found the strength to pull myself out of a dark place and seek help. In doing so, I am trying to cultivate a relationship with my "inner child," overcome negative attitudes and begin to nurture this inner child. One way to do so is to provide support for him by the adult me. As such, I am writing a letter to my inner child to let him know that he has unconditional love and support by adult me. And I decided to share this letter with you, too.

Dear Inner Child,

You are a loving person. You care for everyone around you and you do everything you can to make people happy, including your parents. I want to tell you how much I respect you for being that kind, nurturing person at such a young age. You are considered a 'sensitive' boy. This is not a bad thing and don't let anyone tell you or make you feel that there is something wrong with you because you are different or that you don't meet their expectations of you. I love you for the boy that you are and I support your needs and aspirations as much as you support those of others.

You're constantly battling comparisons with your twin brother. Try to forgive them because they don't understand that twins can be different - everyone is different - and this is a good thing. You are an individual separate from your twin brother. He enjoys sports like soccer and he excels at it. You try to play soccer because your parents want you to play and be as good a player as your brother; but you know that you'll never be as good as your brother and you don't like playing soccer. I want to take you away from that field, sit you next to your sister, and watch you learn to play the piano. I want you to know that it's ok to play with dolls and makeup and dresses. You don't need to hide these activities. I know that seeing your sister get upset with you for playing with her dolls frightens you; it confuses and upsets you. I want you to know that I am here for you anytime you feel frightened or confused. I'll be here to hold you, comfort you, and protect you from the screaming and the hitting. Boys can play with dolls and I will buy you a doll to play with. We'll take a walk to the store, buy some makeup, and use it on your dolls. We'll find old clothing to cut up and make outfits for your doll.

You're growing older and you are confused about your feelings for other boys. You live in a traditional, catholic, Italian household and your mom tells you that one day you will get married to a nice, Italian girl, and have your own children. You will repeat the same cycle as your mom or dad. But this isn't what you want. You want to spend your birthday money on cassette tapes of dance music, particularly the new Madonna cassette, and sing and dance to it in your bedroom. It's difficult to do so because you share a room with your brother and you feel embarrassed and self-conscious by the way you look when you dance. Your father doesn't dance. Your brother doesn't dance. Only your sister dances so you think it's a girlie thing to do, but it's not! Everyone dances and I'm telling you to dance like no one is watching. Dance until your feet ache and you're out of breath, but your smile is so wide that your cheeks hurt from happiness.

At school and at church, they teach you to love and respect, to do as Jesus does. Jesus accepts and loves everyone, as do you. And you're learning that you like other boys. Maybe, one day, you'll fall in love with a boy. You won't marry an Italian girl and have kids but you can be happy because life is about love, friendship, intimacy, and a sense of belonging. Your friends, family, school teachers, and priests make you feel worthless, ashamed, dejected, insecure, discouraged, and hopeless. I'm telling you that you are not worthless, you shouldn't feel ashamed, and don't be discouraged. You are beautiful, smart, loving, and perfect as you are. They don't understand your love and attraction for someone of the same gender but in time they may accept it or reject it. Either way, I will be here to support you and help you forgive them. You don't understand why they persecute boys like you because Jesus would never do such horrible things, and I know it's frightening, and I know that you want to hide this part of you. When you're ready, I am here and we will stand up, hand in hand, and express our true self. You don't need to deny yourself of love, friendship, and intimacy because it's different from your friends and family. I will help you find new friends - friends who are similar to you and will accept you just the way you are. We can create new families and safe environments. You will one day kiss a boy and enjoy it. You will kiss many boys until you find the one that makes you so happy that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Others will stare at you as you walk down the street holding hands. They will shout awful things and wish harm on you. They are insecure of themselves and they project their insecurities on you. I want you to know that I hear these things too but together we will stand strong, face them, and forgive them for their ignorance. I will hold you and comfort you when they hurt you. I will soothe your mind of disturbing thoughts that make you want to escape and leave everything and everyone behind. You ask yourself why mom and dad don't want others to know that you are gay. It makes you feel inadequate. You do everything you can to please your parents because they make you feel that you are never good enough. You strive for perfection in everything you do yet it's never good enough. Your mother wants your to be a doctor, your dad wants you to be the CEO of your own successful business, but you want to have fun with the artistic creativity that aches to grow and flourish. I will help squeeze these thoughts from your head. You are perfect as you are. You don't have to fit the preconceptions of your parents, the homophobes in the world, or the critical gay men who say you're not good-looking or fit. I will comfort you and tell you that you are perfect. We will exercise to feel healthy, not to conform to a new set of norms - norms that you didn't think would exist once you find a group of men similar to you. Remember, just as you are unique and different from your twin brother, you are also unique and different from all the other gay men in this city and on this earth. Together, we will find others who appreciate, accept and validate our individualism. You'll finally have a sense of belonging where you can be yourself, dance wherever and whenever, and fall in love with whomever. You deserve unconditional love. I will love you unconditionally and protect you from anyone who tries to hurt you or pretend to love you. We'll always be there for each other.

Love,

Adult You

Mondays Drag Me to the Edge of the Universe

Hello, Monday.

It's a mad, mad world, Monday.

The universe is running one way

and I'm the only lonely figure

pushing the opposite direction.

Strangers stare at the oddity

that curtails the normative routine

of morning travel.

I will not climb those steps

and I will not ride that bus

to a destination I know too well

because it terrifies me,

it'll suck the life from me,

and I'll assert to venture no more.

What's my alternate plan?

I can't go home...he'll know

and my broken spirit

and my tangled brain

cannot survive the strangle

of his anticipated words.

I'll walk away.

That's it! I'll walk away.

Pushing in the opposite direction,

I'll keep moving until my feet are blistered whole

and their pain numb into my legs.

I'll stop only when I reach the edge

of the universe that keeps running

at a speed too quick for me.

But my cellphone rings

and beeps, and beeps, and beeps.

Missed calls, missed messages.

I don't need to check the messenger

fore it is he who calls and texts me,

looking for me

on this day of betrayal.

The cellphone flies across a bridge,

landing in a river,

and the beeping finally fades away

like my love for him.

I'd rather be the drowning phone

than the suffocating puppet

in his life.

But did I think this through?

I forgot my stash of cash

hidden from his knowings.

I can return and attempt its retrieval

yet I risk being caught and chained.

Probably punched and beaten

for my betrayal.

No, I'll keep on walking

until my feet disappear

and I'm hopping on two stumps

and begging for food and water

from any passerby that might make eye contact

and observe my distress.

I'll eventually fall to the ground

in defeat for my pursuit

of trying to escape the universe's plan

for this mad, mad world

that surrounds and smothers me

in the arms of a man who says he loves me

and confines me

with chains of subjugation.

I will only bow to my own decisions

crawling on the ground

to find refuge in a freedom

that offers no food,

no water,

no help from others;

but I'm liberated

to return to the earth

as the elements that created me.

I cannot breathe and I cannot write

as the edge of the universe dangles near my broken body

and I make a final...

Is RuPaul a Psychotherapist?

fourth thought: Tuesday April 21

Last week on RuPaul’s Drag Race was the Snatch Game episode, probably the most anticipated episode of every season.  I was really sad to watch Max, one of my favourites this season, sashay away (she won two challenges prior to this episode and has been a strong contender in other challenges…one misstep and she’s gone! Frustrating, but that’s a rant for a different day.)

During the episode, RuPaul completed his usual rounds in the workroom, had a discussion with Katya (another one of my faves!) and “doctor” RuPaul magically appeared. He provided insight into Katya’s self-esteem as an “addiction to anxiety.” Really RuPaul?

Let me start by saying that I am a big fan of the show. Whenever I’m having a bad Monday from bouts of work stress, depression, and ANXIETY, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race gives me an enjoyable escape. The creativity and talent are incredible! Between unbelievable transformations and mouth-dropping “lip synch for your life” routines, what’s not to love? Well, it’s psychotherapist RuPaul that irks me. He has some great feedback on drag based on his experience but sometimes he goes a step further and begins to offer psychological analysis and advice…credentials please! Has anyone called him on this? He does it every season with the final three contestants (or final four in season 6) when they have a one-on-one “lunch” with “doctor” RuPaul. I never let it affect me much until he used the term “addiction to anxiety.” Firstly, is this a thing? Anxiety is a serious and debilitating mental illness (check the DMS - a manual used by clinicians and researchers to diagnose and classify mental disorders). From constant worry and fear to panic attacks, it’s not a pleasant illness. I know because I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. It’s not an addiction: I don’t crave it, I don’t need it, but it’s there…always…and some days it’s more manageable than others. With medication, regular visits with a certified psychotherapist, cognitive behaviour therapy, and mindfulness-based self-compassion therapy, I’m learning to cope with it and I try to be a functional individual in society. When an anxiety disorder is not treated it can lead to physical ailments and other mental illnesses such as depression. To reduce anxiety to an “addiction” is doing an injustice to those of us suffering from it.

Secondly, I tried to research anxiety “addiction” and I found two ridiculous online posts – one being an article from an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry! Anyone who suffers from an anxiety disorder will find this article disagreeable and the strategies suggested may work for someone experiencing a slightly elevated level of anxiety. All human beings experience anxiety. A certain level of anxiety is normal and has been helpful for our species to evolve. But some of us experience consistently high and intolerable levels of anxiety. This article refers to anxiety-provoking news (e.g., fear mongering on television), separation anxiety from one’s cellphone, and “emotional vampires.” Emotional Vampires?!? “AnxietyIncorporated” commented that anyone truly suffering from an anxiety disorder would find the article offensive, and that’s how I felt when I heard RuPaul use the term on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

If you are suffering from anxiety, there is a lot of great literature about it everywhere online (see below for a start) and please get your information from a credible source and consult your doctor. I waited too long and it wasn’t until my anxiety manifested into depression that I sought help. I lost two years trying to regain my life back and I’m almost at a point where it’s manageable. It doesn’t go away but you can live with it if you have the proper supports be it medication, therapy, etc.

During my search, I found a blog post where an individual discusses her anxiety disorder and it’s a very sad story. Unfortunately, it reads as though she didn't have the best of luck with useful treatment yet she’s strong enough to accept her anxiety, live with it, and carry on without medication or therapy. Kudos to the strength she harnesses to do so. But please don’t call it an “addiction.” You’re sending the wrong message to yourself and other sufferers. Until my thirties, I was able to “control” my anxieties – push them down and move forward. This worked really well until I ran out of room for all my anxieties and they came spilling out like Pandora’s Box.

If I were to label one of my addictions, it’s RuPaul’s Drag Race – it’s one of the few shows that I enjoy on TV – but  I will continue to take and monitor my medication, I will continue to work with my physician and psychotherapist as I continue to live with this disorder, and I will continue to criticize false psychotherapy. I will never refer to my anxiety as an addiction and I hope no one else does too – did you hear that, Katya?

Some Resources to Get You Started:

Anxiety and Depression Association ofAmerica

DSM: social anxiety disorder 

DMS: generalized anxiety disorder 

Images:

http://i1.wp.com/www.postpartumprogress.com/wp-content/uploads/Fotolia_32437147_S.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:RuPaul_by_David_Shankbone_cropped.jpg

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CAcQjRw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Ftagged%2Frupaul%27s-drag-race-spoilers%253F&ei=4NU2Ven-CdifyASBuoH4Bg&psig=AFQjCNHZZmUgkjRpW942qhfcm9kIcRPTmw&ust=1429743184731079

The Male Body

third thought: Thursday April 9

The Male Body

I write gay erotica stories because I enjoy sex, romance, and the male body. When I read gay erotica stories, they usually feature gay alpha males (big muscles), hot twinks (chiseled features, washboard abs), bearish leather daddies (hair in the perfect spots, big muscles, chiseled features, older but very hot), etc. I realized that most of my characters fit such descriptions - the archetype of the male body; that is, the type of body men and women fantasize having sex, and the type of body some men feel the need to achieve. Is this "perfect male body" taking a toll on our metal health?

Gay men have always been self-conscious about their bodies. Growing up, especially during my late teens and early twenties, it was "common knowledge" that "all gay men are hot." I agree with this statement but the definition of "hot" can vary from one person to another.

I love an athletic body. I pushed myself hard in the gym for many years in my mid-twenties to early thirties to maintain a tight, athletic body. I never had big muscles but I was fairly happy with my physique. My workouts and my diet became a religion because I felt that if I didn't have an athletic body, then I wouldn't be considered "hot" in the gay community. Interestingly enough, my attraction for men varied and a "hot" gay man depended much more on their personality than their body. Yes, there will always be an initial physical attraction, but sometimes it's the eyes, lips, or the way they move on the dance floor. Other times, it's a tattoo that catches my eyes, allowing me to converse with another man, and giving me insight into the man's personality. Nonetheless, there was always a muscled gay man whispering in my ear to keep working out and grow bigger muscles otherwise men would neither find me attractive nor talk to me. Regardless that I've been told I have a nice smile, great kissable lips (they work wonders during a blowjob!), and a fun personality (especially after a few drinks!), I continue to feel self-conscious of my body: I'm too skinny, I'm too fat, I don't have big muscles...

I came across a wonderful story via Upworthy about the new target of body-image: men. From toys for boys, the evolution of superhero bodies in cartoons and movies, and how society pressures men to feel confident about their bodies. Women are embraced to express their insecurities and men...well, not so much. The Upworthy story continues with a story about Chris, a man who feels self-conscious about his body. I think he's hot (Chris, if you're single, I'll wine and dine you!) but like most men, he has body issues, but unlike most men, he's opening up to discuss them. I applaud Chris and I think more men should do this mostly because there isn't one type of "hot" male body. The more men that come out and share their story, the better we can be as a group of men to support each other and realize that all body types are beautiful: big or small, tall or short, muscled or thin, washboard abs or beer bellies. This is especially important in the gay community where the archetypal gay male exists in its various communities and we make harsh judgments on those who don't fit in. It's already difficult growing up gay in a straight environment, why do we make it harder on ourselves in a community that should make us feel better about ourselves?

My goal, after learning about Chris's story, is to

1. be secure in the insecurities of my body
2. make a conscious effort to include various body types in my writing allowing different gay men see themselves in my stories (having hot sex!)

That said, I'm planning a revamp for this week's #TGIFF story. Sex between two men is more about attitude and desires and not body type. That's my opinion and we'll see how well it transfers over into my erotica.